Do you ever feel the need to vent? I’ve been known to vent on an occasion or two (or more), but I’ve been holding onto some feelings for quite a while…
Since it’s the last Friday of the month I’m joining Marcia for another round of Runfessions, aka running confessions! Join us as we let it all out, the good, bad, and ugly! Today I’m sharing some deeper runfessions than usual as I’ve been struggling with my self-confidence as a runner. Warning: It’s quite a long vent, I hope you can bear with me!It's time to get real...have you experienced self-doubt as a #runner? It's time for #runfessions! Click To Tweet
I have to be honest with myself. This past month, I’ve had a lot of feelings of self-doubt when it comes to my running. I really hate to be a downer, especially as I’m spending the weekend in the Happiest Place on Earth, but it’s important for me to share my true feelings. I hope you can indulge me! Maybe sharing these feelings will resonate with someone else who’s been in my shoes.
So here are my runfessions…this may be one of the most candid posts I’ve written.
This has been the elephant in the room for me for a very long time. Whenever I tell someone that I run they seem curious and sometimes impressed, but then I have to add the caveat that “I’m slow”. I was at a book club with my neighbors recently and I talked a little bit about my experiences as a runner and blogger. One neighbor who has seen me run told the group that I’m “definitely slow” and take my time. Another neighbor, who didn’t start running til her mid-40’s, ran her first half marathon a few years ago and finished faster than my previous 8 half marathons. She seemed bewildered that I wasn’t faster. Here’s my runfession: I was so embarrassed by these conversations. I’m 30 years old, I’ve been running for 6 years, and I can’t run 10-minute miles without huffing and puffing. And yet I started a running club at work, have a running blog, various race ambassadorships, and work with a running coach. Am I a fraud? Sometimes I feel like I have no credibility because I’m not a fast runner. Maybe I take myself too seriously…
I think all runners dream of getting faster because we’re never satisfied. I’m so happy that I had a few PR’s last year and I want to continue to improve, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get faster! When I first started running in 2011, I could run a 10-minute mile with no effort. Now, that’s considered speed work. I runfess that I’m so inspired by a few running bloggers that I LOVE and have followed for years as they have become much faster over time…but I’m envious. And jealous. I wonder why I’m not improving the way they are. Am I not working hard enough? Do I simply lack the talent? What am I doing wrong? Comparison truly is the thief of joy, but with blogging and social media, how can you avoid it?
Last, I have to runfess that ever since marathon training, I prefer to run alone. While running solo has plenty of benefits, I don’t enjoy running with others anymore because all I can think about is how I’m slowing them down. I haven’t tested out any local running clubs lately (remember my Running Club Roundup?) and a big reason is because of that slow factor. I’ve already been burned for being too slow for a running group, and I dread going through that again. I hope I can find the courage to try some new running groups like the Wissahickon Wanderers or Chasing Trail, but I’m just feeling too insecure these days. If I can find someone in Philly who runs their easy runs at 11-11:30 minutes/mile, holla atcha girl!
Okay, I’m done! I’m sorry that I had so much to say about my perceived slowness. I probably sound like an idiot because as we all know, “it’s all relative”. While I’m pining over other people’s paces there are people who wish they could go at my pace. I’m sorry if my thoughts come off as rude or tone-deaf.
And with all that I’ve said, I do know that is a BLESSING that I am even healthy enough to run. I had a quick scare as I thought I was developing another stress fracture in my foot, but thankfully it was a false alarm and I’m still at it! Running is one of my greatest passions and I want to do this for the rest of my life, but sometimes I just feel like I’m wasting my time by putting in all of this work and not getting the results that I want.
I was feeling really down about the situation as I started writing this post, but I quickly realized that things aren’t as bad as I made them out to be. This is one heck of a runfession post for me! I’m so glad I could get this off my chest and I appreciate anyone who read all the way through and could sympathize or empathize with my feelings.
What would you like to runfess? Do you ever feel self-doubt about your running ability?