Do you ever feel the need to vent? I’ve been known to vent on an occasion or two (or more), but I’ve been holding onto some feelings for quite a while…
Since it’s the last Friday of the month I’m joining Marcia for another round of Runfessions, aka running confessions! Join us as we let it all out, the good, bad, and ugly! Today I’m sharing some deeper runfessions than usual as I’ve been struggling with my self-confidence as a runner. Warning: It’s quite a long vent, I hope you can bear with me!
[bctt tweet=”It’s time to get real…have you experienced self-doubt as a #runner? It’s time for #runfessions! ” username=”Janelle_RWNR”]
Runfessions – Feeling Self-Doubt:
I have to be honest with myself. This past month, I’ve had a lot of feelings of self-doubt when it comes to my running. I really hate to be a downer, especially as I’m spending the weekend in the Happiest Place on Earth, but it’s important for me to share my true feelings. I hope you can indulge me! Maybe sharing these feelings will resonate with someone else who’s been in my shoes.
So here are my runfessions…this may be one of the most candid posts I’ve written.
I’m Embarrassingly Slow
This has been the elephant in the room for me for a very long time. Whenever I tell someone that I run they seem curious and sometimes impressed, but then I have to add the caveat that “I’m slow”. I was at a book club with my neighbors recently and I talked a little bit about my experiences as a runner and blogger. One neighbor who has seen me run told the group that I’m “definitely slow” and take my time. Another neighbor, who didn’t start running til her mid-40’s, ran her first half marathon a few years ago and finished faster than my previous 8 half marathons. She seemed bewildered that I wasn’t faster. Here’s my runfession: I was so embarrassed by these conversations. I’m 30 years old, I’ve been running for 6 years, and I can’t run 10-minute miles without huffing and puffing. And yet I started a running club at work, have a running blog, various race ambassadorships, and work with a running coach. Am I a fraud? Sometimes I feel like I have no credibility because I’m not a fast runner. Maybe I take myself too seriously…
Why Can’t I Get Faster, But Everyone Else Can?
I think all runners dream of getting faster because we’re never satisfied. I’m so happy that I had a few PR’s last year and I want to continue to improve, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get faster! When I first started running in 2011, I could run a 10-minute mile with no effort. Now, that’s considered speed work. I runfess that I’m so inspired by a few running bloggers that I LOVE and have followed for years as they have become much faster over time…but I’m envious. And jealous. I wonder why I’m not improving the way they are. Am I not working hard enough? Do I simply lack the talent? What am I doing wrong? Comparison truly is the thief of joy, but with blogging and social media, how can you avoid it?
Me after my 5K PR last year…still don’t know how I pulled it off!Solo Running is My Safe Place
Last, I have to runfess that ever since marathon training, I prefer to run alone. While running solo has plenty of benefits, I don’t enjoy running with others anymore because all I can think about is how I’m slowing them down. I haven’t tested out any local running clubs lately (remember my Running Club Roundup?) and a big reason is because of that slow factor. I’ve already been burned for being too slow for a running group, and I dread going through that again. I hope I can find the courage to try some new running groups like the Wissahickon Wanderers or Chasing Trail, but I’m just feeling too insecure these days. If I can find someone in Philly who runs their easy runs at 11-11:30 minutes/mile, holla atcha girl!
Now That’s Off My Chest…
Okay, I’m done! I’m sorry that I had so much to say about my perceived slowness. I probably sound like an idiot because as we all know, “it’s all relative”. While I’m pining over other people’s paces there are people who wish they could go at my pace. I’m sorry if my thoughts come off as rude or tone-deaf.
And with all that I’ve said, I do know that is a BLESSING that I am even healthy enough to run. I had a quick scare as I thought I was developing another stress fracture in my foot, but thankfully it was a false alarm and I’m still at it! Running is one of my greatest passions and I want to do this for the rest of my life, but sometimes I just feel like I’m wasting my time by putting in all of this work and not getting the results that I want.
I was feeling really down about the situation as I started writing this post, but I quickly realized that things aren’t as bad as I made them out to be. This is one heck of a runfession post for me! I’m so glad I could get this off my chest and I appreciate anyone who read all the way through and could sympathize or empathize with my feelings.
What would you like to runfess? Do you ever feel self-doubt about your running ability?
You know me–I always am questioning my ability. I’m struggling right now (and more to come on Sunday’s post) with my health issues and how it is affecting my running. I’m questioning my ability to run anything of distance since my endurance has once again disappeared with this newest flare.
Sigh. Hang in there. I will too.
You are such a strong runner and strong person! Wishing you the best as you go through your health issues. *hugs*
I feel like I could have written this post. Truly. I’m right there with you (right down to the pace) and I sometimes feel bad about myself, especially given that I have been running for the past 6 years and haven’t gotten faster either… however, I just keep reminding myself that I’m out there and I’m moving and THAT is what is important. <3
Yes, staying active is the most important thing for sure! I’m glad to know that I’m not alone with these feelings, though I hope they pass soon for the both of us!
Ugh. So sorry you are feeling this way! I think I naturally had a 10mm pace when I started, and have gotten faster over time with a combination of speed work and strength training and trying to keep up with other runners. That said, you are NOT a fraud, and you inspire and motivate so many. Also, there are tons of women in my MRTT group who are in the 11-12MM pace range, so you are not alone! I hope you run through some fairy dust this weekend that makes you feel better.
Thanks a lot, Coco. Thankfully, I’m feeling a lot better about things now! It just seems that I should be getting faster, not slower, but I guess that’s how it is…
So first of all, your neighbor that called you slow…yeah let’s just forget about her. Oh my God, thats SO rude!
This is how I see it, I know I’m slow and I say I’m slow…but no one else can say I’m slow, LOL. Basically I know I’m going to have any podium finishes in my lifetime, but I run because I can and I feel lucky for that. I’m definitely inspired by my faster running friends, but I know I’ll never be a fast runner.
Thanks! Yeah, I had to erase that awful statement from my mind…I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm, but it definitely hurt. I always feel like a disappointment that I’m not super speedy while giving advice to others. I’m grateful I can do what I can…I just have to accept where I am right now.
Seriously???
You are not slow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I know how you feel. I feel slow and then other runners look at me like I am crazy.
I hesitate to run with others because of it.
Speed is so personal. Everyone wants to be faster than they are.
But we have to get past it and enjoy the run.
Because when we are injured or sick, then you realize what a gift it is to run even at a slow pace.
Thanks, Darlene! I’m shocked to hear that you feel slow, I mean you win AG awards all the time! But you’re right…it’s all relative and we just need to enjoy that we’re able to do this at all, no matter the pace!
Oh Janelle! I am sad that you think you are a FRAUD. You are not and never will be! And personally, if I had heard someone say to me that I’m “definitely slow” I would punch her in the face. Really?? Where’s the support? That’s why you have us. And, you ARE inspiring people – every damn day. People look up to you and you don’t even know it. *hugs
Thanks so much, Gina. I really appreciate the kind words. Glad to know that my feeling as an imposter is just in my head! Really appreciate the support.
I can totally understand how you feel, Janelle. It’s not fun being “the slow one”. Even when I was running sub-4 marathons though, I hung out with a group where everybody was eyeing (and some were nailing) sub-3 marathons. So you’re right, it’s all relative. As a coach, I’d tell you two things: 1) Put your watch away and learn not to be so obsessed about pace. Running should be fun. OR 2)Run by heart rate. When you learn your true max and do each workout a certain % of that, you’re doing exactly what’s right for you and you’ll improve from there. Get out of that comparison trap. xoxo
Thanks a lot, Marcia! I’m definitely been curious about running by heart rate, I’ve seen others do really well with that. I don’t look much at my watch while I run but do get bummed when I see the results sometimes! Grrr!
I’m slow too, but I still run. I’m also a solo runner because I can just run and not feel guilty about anything. I’m still running, still sweating, listening to my music.
I just wish the word SLOW wasn’t such an offensive term! I used to enjoy running with others but I really prefer the solitude these days. We got this!
I am so sorry that you feel this way. That neighbor of yours… rude, just rude. I don’t think you need to fit into someone else’s idea of speedy to have credibility.
Thanks, Vicki! You’re absolutely right.
ok, Girlfriend….”slow” is merely an adjective, not a standard. I can run a 10-minute pace pretty easy, and a 9:30 pace feels good….but that is still very much “average” (at best) in comparison to the fast peeps who win and/or place. And, I have been running a lot longer than you…so, I often feel like my “plateau” has run its course and I get frustrated that I don’t seem to be getting faster (but everyone else is). But…..I have also acknowledged that we all have different genetics and abilities. I am not destined to be a “fast” runner, and I do not want to invest a lot of time and training to knock off a mere 10 seconds from a 5K PR. I’d lose a lot of the enjoyment of running if it was all about speed for me. So, you are a legit runner! If you’re enjoying your time on the streets and staying fit, you’re a definite real runner. Don’t let those finish times be your all-in-all.
Thanks a lot, Kimberly! I know we all have paces we want to get to with our running and it’s true…some people are just naturally talented while others have to put in a lot more work. I agree that it’s not about the speed…I love being out there and being able to run.
It can be so frustrating when we dont see progress after working hard. I know for me its the injuries that really set me back. But when I look at my time overall since I started racing 10 years ago, I can see the progress. Hopefully this will be your year for new PRs!
Thanks a lot, Lisa! I have had a couple of injuries along the way and I’m just grateful that I am healthy right now. So hoping to make some improvements this year!
I feel like I could have written this post!! I feel embarrassed too when i feel like I need to add the disclaimer i am slow. That was still so ride of your neighbor though!!!!
I am organizing a work team for a corporate 5k and it hit me all of a sudden that even though the other girls aren’t runners and are just now training, they are still fit and may very likely be much faster than me anyway!! I hope my hills and overall endurance for long runs pays off for some speed in that 5k lol.
OK let’s start with that neighbor of yours – so rude!
You are certainly not a fraud! I so know that feeling of wishing I was faster and being embarrassed about my paces. Comparison really is the thief of joy! You’re doing great things as a runner and inspiring folks along the way.
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way. Just keep doing you 🙂
I do not think I am fast either! I am all about finishing and having a good time. I did get some PR’s last year but that was because I was super slow to start with! I wish we were neighbors cause I love the long run at 11 minute miles!
It was fun getting to run with you at ZOOMA! I definitely need to find more runners at my pace so we can try to improve together!
I love the honesty of this post! I often feel that same way, like I need to put my running down before anyone else does. And I know how frustrating it is when you feel like you’re working so hard and not seeing improvement.
Truthfully, I enjoy reading your blog more than blogs of “faster runners” because my pace is similar to yours and I relate more to your runs, the ups and downs. Also, you are not embarrassingly slow! I’ve had to have this talk with myself too. You may not be as fast as some people but the fact that you run at all is pretty awesome.
Thanks so much, Kaci. I enjoy reading your blog too! So many ups and downs in this running journey, haha! The struggle is real!
I cannot believe people would say that! It frustrates me so much when runners who are somehow naturally fast and don’t have to work for it say disparaging comments about pace other runners. I work with other runners of all paces from 15 minute miles to 6:30 minute miles – regardless of pace, everyone is out there putting into the work. You are no exception – you are consistently putting in hard work with lots of passion and grit, which matters far more than pace. Those PRs will come!
I prefer running solo also – the only exception is with my husband. In general, running groups overwhelm me and intimidate me. The first time I considered joining a group, the leader took a look at me and handed me a flyer for a beginner group – without pausing to ask how long I had been running, which was 6 years at that point! That experience sort of turned me off, but I’m also such an introvert that I don’t mind my solo runs.
I hope you enjoyed your time at Disney!
That was such an honest post and it takes a lot of courage to put it out there. I think it’s very normal to compare ourselves with others. I know I do it a lot (in life matters) and it brings my morale down. It’s alright to feel such raw emotions, because that’s what makes us human. It’s alright that you’re training solo now. Sometimes, it’s better for us to distance ourselves from downers. None of us have time for that kind of negativity in life, am I right? Also, the neighbor at your book club – that was plain rude. But, we can forgive her for her ignorance. She didn’t know any better. While speed is a good way to assess your skills and growth in the sport, running is just not about the paces and miles you can hit. It’s so much more! I am no running expert, in every sense. But, may be some running coaches might help. May be some small tips and tricks here and there is all that’s needed to do the magic. Also, have you tried ‘Headspace’? They have meditation segments just for runners. Sending you all good vibes! Run Happy!!! It’ll all soon fall into place.
Thanks so much, Madhuri! I hated being a downer but I wanted to honestly express my feelings and let it out! You’re right about my neighbor simply being ignorant. I’ll try not to hold it against her, LOL. Thankfully I have an awesome coach I’m working with and I’m excited to see where she takes me! I’ll have to check out Headspace, I hadn’t heard of it, thanks!
Thanks for being vulnerable here w/other runners who truly understand how you feel. I’ve been reading your blog for approx 2 years now. You inspired me to do the Love Run last year and now you’ve inspired me to comment on your post. I too, have been called slow and have not improved in speed with all of my years running. I always remind myself, that even if I am slow I’m still out here. I even took on turtle avatars when they are available. Please continue to run, blog and be a great person to “know”.